People are people

People are people always.... Trusting them is always a weakness.. I don't know why i do it.. Friends are a luxury i cannot afford.. I don't know what they have against me.. but something or the other always has to interfere.. .No matter how much i try not to offend anyone.. They simply must bring everything crashing down.. I have given up on emotions.. feelings.. Now am I to forget even what friends are like? It may well have been that i never knew..

What is it that made me chose to walk the path of normalcy in the first place? Once a lone wolf, always a lone wolf.. I would do well to not get that lesson out of my mind ever again.. I am tired.. of being used as a stepping stone.. for some ends, for a purpose.. I have had enough.. of trying to justify my existence.. It's time to do what i should have never let go of..
Noone matters.. and shouldn't..

More reflections, brought on by the words of a friend(?)

I understand.. what makes for the worst nightmares.. It's an extended lifespan, in mediocrity.. Being forced from all quarters, into a route which is nothing but common.. which holds no possibilities for "me", it is a future i incessantly avoid, and yet am forced into nothing but the same.. As before.. I lose my expression..

Why would anyone want to analyze me.. how can one even do so... I look at myself as a conlomeration of lies.. and i don't know what to feel. .is it worth thinking about.. what regard i am held in? Does it need contemplation, to decide whether or not i am deserving of being called a failure.. For being a failure is in some respects better than being what I am.. To fail, a man needs to have tried.. i escape the effort.. perhaps to escape from failure.. Perhaps.. But I think not.. It merely is because I am grown too used to the state.. of nothingness..

I tried to have others save me.. Nobody bothered.. I tried to save myself.. I found out that even I couldn't be bothered.. What does that bode for me?

For A Friend

A smile worth a thousand lives,
Cheering up a billion souls
Feeling pain in the torrents of fire
One sweet mistake in the flush of youth
Madness of hellfire burning, seething
Voices in the vines, feeling, feeling
like unwanted melodies, merging.
In symphonies unyielding,
playing the organs of fate,
twisting around the unwritten tales.
Ironies fester like an open wound..
Wishing for a life, an unbroken sound.
Dreams of a glade, untouched by taint
Reality stares, falling, breaking.

DOPE

I have had one too many cigarettes
lit by the promise of insignificant days
Heard the whispers going around,
Tipped up too many empty bottles,
too far in madness have I drowned.


Too many butts have I stubbed out,
While I waited on a traffic light
that never turned green.
Blown the dust of books never opened
Like a long dead face that's lost it's sheen.


Choked too many thoughts to a late death,
In the poison of a thousand burnt ashes.
Feared the days when I couldn't get a fix
On fleeting desires milling about in the wind.
Like a lighter giving false clicks.


Too few unspoilt dreams remain,
the fragments I have thrown away,
Forgotten in the broken pipes, left to rot
Disjointed noises have woken me up,
Drawing the last straws from the pot.



FIRE

Fanatics Fight their heads, and the story wins.
Charging on, Fleeing truth, bound by minor sins.
Knowing lies, trapping speech, it never ends
No pain to feel, just walking on, like unborn twins.

Reading signs, blinking tears, smiling just like
a fool wandering the desert of dirty sands,
feeling fire in his eyes, looking at a red dawn
fanning desire bound by madness, in insane lands.

Smoke rising from distant stars, burning out
their lives in a futile imitation of bright souls
churning and hearing voices in my head, ghouls flying ,
tearing at unseen flesh, drinking from blood bowls.

Two birds pelting the air with screeches, in the
heat of the moment forgetting to change their mind
Not smiling to please, listening to noone, learning
to fly and die the way they choose, rejecting destiny.

Never open the eyes of brevity, expand on the wall
on which is written an ode to the useless chatter
that abounds. Tell me what I am looking for, feeling
my way like a blind man turned loose in a riot of colours

Flowers bloom in the distance, of greed and hate,
look all too familiar in the twilight streaming through
old, rotten curtains, in my eyes, a film of dirt and grime
They wither and die, and I feel sad, for the loss of greed.

I am here, trembling in fear, the land bows to me.
Darkness takes my heart and I rejoice in the chaos of
gore and madness. Visions come and illusions go,
soothing, unravelling the fabric of life and death below

Reflections after an evening of fun..

Happy people.. I don't know what to do with them... It's as if there are two conflicting thoughts within me.. all the time. When I am with friends.. people whom i genuinely care about.. i like seeing them smile a true smile.. At that time, the sheer joy makes me smile too.. But I wonder.. is it just an act so good that it fools me as well? That I am doing it only to appear at ease?

Each time, when i am back alone... it takes me down.. to the depths of the darkness within me.. Feeling good is a far cry.. I pretend to enjoy.. am garrulous.. but that is a cover.. for inside i am seething.. not with anger.. but with something far more calm.. and depressing.. I know not what that feeling is.. except that it isn't any good.. I lose my grip on words.. like now.. My expression becomes stilted..

Is it because I have always been this way? Or because I have changed in some manner.. and am looking to see sadness in others' lives? and when it's absent, i feel good again? Is it that? I do not know..

I guess some people.. me.. I am destined to be alone.. Welcome everywhere.. invited nowhere.. Tolerated.. but never missed.. Just a footnote in an appendix of the lives of people i hold dear.. It is so pathetic it isn't even galling.. Perhaps I really am the epitome of imperfection.. Never to know of certain things.. I wish i could feel somethings.. but there really isn't any feeling in me.. Maybe it was never there.. or maybe it died along the way somewhere..

meandering meaning

Nothing is beautiful, if you stare at it too long. Nothing is flawless, if you look hard enough. In an illusionary existence, all I can do is try to make a place, nay, the place, my own. The world is because I think it is. After me, the world ceases to exist. In this undeserving place, what I can do, and what I create is my own, and mine to contemplate, to destroy, to leave alone or interfere with, to mock, kill, rejuvenate, reincarnate, discard at my fancy, hate, bemoan, vandalize.. Mine to play with and mine to hoard.

The world is a weird place.. Or perhaps the internet represrnts mostly the dark underbelly.. maybe calling it dark isn't correct.. It could well be referred to as insane.. I don't know, but sometimes it seems to me that everything points to humanity going crazy.. And reasons could be anything.. Bah! Why do I even bother..?

Doshte

Sitting in the night, drinking the tears away,
Remembering the talks long gone, in days fading today
Voices in my head, singing alone, cheering on the pain..
Why can't we listen to our hearts again...?

A thousand days it has been since it was over
A magic pill to take away the deep desire,
I have been looking for a way to be free again.
Why don't we listen to our hearts again...?

Visions haunting me through the lonely nights,
Of your smile, in those days you would drink and ring,
When you freed my world of all fear and pain.
Why don't we listen to our hearts again?

Never imagined I would be alone, drinking away the pain
Never thought I would remember the lonesome nights..
You kindled the fire, you burnt the flame in the rain..
Wouldn't you listen to my heart again?

In the nights that you expressed your deepest desire,
When you'd call me, just to hear my voice,
When I'd hold you close, even though we were far apart,
Wouldn't you listen again, listen to my broken heart?

Wasn't there a dream once, a dream of you and I..
Lying wordlessly, under the moonless, starlit sky?
Before you brought it down, never looking back,
Now you walk with the man you vowed never to look at..

I am not waiting for you to say it again,
lies never last long, not when you have to feign,
all of them, down to the words you never meant,
But i keep looking back, lamenting that I dreamt...

Not a thing do I regret, not the trust and faith
Life goes on, they say, needing no one by your side,
BUt I wonder, through days and nights, wonder all the same
Would you ever listen to my heart again?

Oh My Fucking God!!! I just recognized that uneasy feeling which was nagging at me since the hard drive on my laptop crashed. My Journal! And all the poems that I had written.. All gone.. No chance of recovering any of it. That journal! 1 year of my life, one year of despair- all gone, in another moment of despair! Maybe it's a good thing, there's one less thing to remind me of the uneasy past, maybe the worst time of my yet short life..

But it is mortifying, all the same...

Sickened

As I spend my days cooped up in my room, forced to lie low,thanks to my liver which finally had enough of me, I find time to reflect upon my reflections. Usually, I'd have been talking about this,rather than writing it down,but since I no longer have anyone willing to listen to the crap I spew, I guess a conversation with myself shall have to suffice. The only problem is I am not used to a monologue.. Damn.. Can't do it!

Again?

When was it that the line delienating the hunter and the hunted, I and the wolrd began disappearing, or rather changed hands? This is intolerable.. Being down and out doesn't suit me.. being worse than the rest is simply unacceptable.. Rectifying it seemingly impossible.. Perhaps all I need is myself,again.. Will see.. finally.. .

Stop.. please

Being able to talk to someone must feel good.. being able to weep with someone holding you.. Watching sad endings makes me want to shed tears.. nay, I barely restrain myself. I wonder how long it would be before I stop drawing parallels betweem my situation and every moderately, unusually pathetic fiction. I have vowed to give up writing.. give up playing.. hopes and dreams, give up on all.. because a part of me has died since the time everything went wrong.. Why am I left picking up the pieces?

It hurts, when I have to kill feelings which I never had in the first place, which I was forced to develop.. which I never asked for...

Damn it, even in an anonymous post it's difficult to write about...

Pathetic..

The spark ignites, the fire burns bright.
Passion runs wild, as I search for you.
My vision clouds, all I see is a face,
Lips that tremble, Soft as the morning dew.

You draw close, your lips touch mine,
I shiver, feeling your breath upon me,
My senses drink deep, intoxicated
I sink in your passion, deeper than the sea

Tickling me, burning me, your hair whispers
across my face, kneading my need,
As I burn, with desire, and with fear
That this is but a dream, soon gone to seed.

A soft touch, reassuring me, rests
on my cheek, as you smile, and I close
My eyes, and suppressed feelings find
expression, my breath heavy, and you so close.

The candle flickers in the winds, as shadows
play across your face, I gaze into your eyes
And forget myself, and draw you near
No thought given to virtue, nor to vice.

Your warmth, glowing and pulsing, tears
through my heart, all masks I wear torn
apart. My hands shake, my lips burn
Passion hurts me, in my mind a thorn.

Your face reflects my mind, I madden
with desire, set aflame by your warmth.
Life loses meaning, as I am victor,
To surrender to you, I had set forth,

Lying in your arms, I feel life coursing
through you, giving me strength.
Your face, radiant as an angel
Smiling as you sleep, I wonder...

Inklings

Again, too personal stuff, and I am glad that all this cannot be traced back to me.Just some of the verses I had sent to the one person I ever cared about, or probably will ever care about..

A longing heart, Brimming With desire,
By your touch, to be set afire
Sorrow and joy, they dance and weep
A maiden chaste, from me they keep
With trembling lips I say your name,
My love, be mine, and set me aflame.


As I waited for that voice honeyed,
To caress my senses, soothe my need,
I waited in vain, I sunk in despair
So far you are, yet seemed so near,
You called not, and sorrow took flight,
It pains my hear now, to say good night.


Baby there's something I want to say,
Every thorn, every stone I'll pluck from your way,
For every smile of yours'
With my life I'll pay

Eyes Bereft of Sleep,
As I long to drink deep
From the dewy lips, a kiss to steal
With that, our love forever to seal
A brush on my face from your hands fair,
All my feelings they ensnare
To be granted that wish divine
Wait I shall, till the ends of time.



For corrupting an angel, If I must pay,
With my life, If I may,
Just is the price, for this man mere,
A sinner I am, to so appear,
In your dreams and whisk you away
With the hope that it is only I
Who makes your heart sway.



Glazed eyes, looking up at the stars,
They see the very same stars as you
Wondering ceaselessly, Wide eyed,
Is it what you are thinking too
Closing my eyes, I feel a touch,
In the dark, a shadow pure,
I wake up from the dream,
Alas! while it lasted, it seemed so sure.
Ephemeral beauty, unconditional love,
I frittered away, knowing not its worth
Hardly had I gained it through grace divine
That I lost the purpose Which I had set forth.

Memories Sting.... Forever

My social networking site home pages suddenly seemed insufficient for the stuff I wanted to vent out, and objections were raised on its suitability as a forum to lay bare my soul. The anonymity of a blog maybe the answer, although I am not hopeful. Anyway, here are all the idiotic ramblings that I have sporadically spewed... Perhaps for my own perusal, perhaps for those who seem inclined to waste their time reading this.

A Day


The sun streaming through Slightly parted curtains,
Specks dancing, playing, teasing coquetteshly.
Shadows lighting up the room, memories floating,
On the light beams, a smile forming on my dry lips.

The warm sun, whispering in my ears, words unformed,
Thought and dreams holding hands, like children
uncaring of troubles, unfettered of heart, unspoilt.
And thoughts entwined, sorrow and joy merging.

Between the light and the dark, Feelings scrolling
up and down, confused, and hazy feelings blowing
away in the shadows, clarity and logic make sense.
The fruits rotting, of the seeds I had taken case sowing.

The curtains mock me, I am tricked by the light
which gave me hope, only to destroy that which never was.
I smile, yet another smile, but fear, that the shadows,
they hide my smile, and make me fear my own farce.

Care I had taken, memories I had found precious,
Mistakes I repented, and redemption I sought.
Hope, and a path were shown to me, in the specks,
which all but mock me now, joy I must do without.


In a haze

Up and sown
in a hazy room
sight and sound merge,
dreams ring and dance
To a beat of stiff coffee
which chases me
waving a grating symphony.

I hear the bells, ringing
my knell, banging a
melody that splits my head.
A voice- sways and lilts
in a tone - stakes pierce
and nerves shatter
in a bleak imitation
of life ending birth.

Night crawls to a stop,
The glazed eyes close
and fix me with a stare
of the dead, which bothers
me, but not much. I surrender
my being, and struggle
To remember the voice,it
calls to me again.


I- Joker

Scratched Glasses, Bleary eyes,
Looking at the world closing in on me
Feeling a lifetime of failure addding up
And not a thought that sets me free.

Chasing after illusions that never were
Dying desire, and the breath of a coward
make me think of the lost chances,
or is it that they never were heard?

No tears left to spend, none to spare
for you, But my eyes water, all the same.
Memories that refuse to fade, sting,
and to a bitter night, lay their unfair claim.

I fear the lonely hours, fear for my sense
But welcome the life I lay waste.
I hope the tears stop someday, even now,
Their bitterness my lips no longer can taste.

Seeds I had sown, of hope, in ecstacy
forgotten my place, against fate I conspired.
Their dead harvest I am left with,
Life mocks me till it grows tired.

The devils of a false dawn cry my doom.
I kneel before cruel destiny's fiery altar
Offer all I have left, hoping to curse hope,
Lest I see the angel again, and my feet falter.

Heed me, destroyer of my soul,
This was not what you promised,
In the days that seemed life and joy,
couldn't be parted, and I wouldn't be punished.

You forgave me sins that were mine,
But made me pay for those that weren't.
You came and went as you pleased,
And I said not a word against all my torment.

Now you smile at my distress, laugh
at my foolish hopes. I grudge not that,but smile.
at my earlier self. Berate myself for believing you,
but never again shall I lead myself into such guile.

• Like A Speck

The air shimmers,
and stutters, the haze
shifting and dancing suffers
me to come and feel
the heat and acrid smell
hanging around me,
and devouring me
from the inside,
the bristling skin on
my face burns my desire
for a shade that I see
in the distance,
moving and alluring,
like a voice that calls
to me, speaking of comfort,
and pulling away any
shred of dignity I have
left, after the deserted hope
which fails me, and yet
sustains me, and killing me
slowly, making me thirst for
a touch that will give me warmth
which I remember, but forget
whose it was, the pain dulling
with every moment, spent
in mourning what never was mine,
an illusion which lasted not
even a while, but showed
what could be, but could never
be, for it kissed the flames
burning, and churning my being
twisting and turning a knife
inside my mind, the war rages
that matters not, since it is
lost before it ever began
and subsides, but not
before laying waste all
that ever was good in me,
and destroying all that
was bad in me, leaving me nothing
but a shell that is void
but feels and knows not,
yielding to none but
the one who heeds me not.

• Silent, yet.....

Kneeling, weeping, healing and screaming
I look for her, trying to search for a meaning
in the madness of the times, having no faith
The sands run out, I lose my bearings,
And she keeps getting further away.

Her feelings, her cries, they reach me, torture me
yet she heeds them not, and rots in her own hell.
What am I to do, to keep me sane, bear the pain?
Her love is painful, rough and calm, I come near
her, and am scorched by passion, a mockery of fear
Is it my fate to be in chains?

Life loses to lies, death yields no relief,
and she, she moves on, in her own hell, tortured beyond belief.
I close my eyes, and her breath burns me,
less than it hurts her. She screams a silent scream
I whisper a silent prayer. Lost in the confusion,
Our feelings intermingle, and disappear.

Her life, she fritters away, and wastes mine in agony.
Of losing her, the endless wait I embrace as destiny.
My life, my times, they pass me by, as I look for that
one smile, one acceptance of my love, and her victory
over her devils, going beyond all and being mine, and nothing matters.
But the wait, it's penance for my sins, and my soul is in tatters.

The tears dry not, they pierce my eyes, my very being
wracked by a suffering I knew not, searches for wings
that have been rent asunder. I yearn to take away all her pain
Take them all into me, so that she is left with nothing
but a smile that knows there is someone who loves her as much,
and she alone shall he be bound to.. I long for your touch...