Reflections after an evening of fun..

Happy people.. I don't know what to do with them... It's as if there are two conflicting thoughts within me.. all the time. When I am with friends.. people whom i genuinely care about.. i like seeing them smile a true smile.. At that time, the sheer joy makes me smile too.. But I wonder.. is it just an act so good that it fools me as well? That I am doing it only to appear at ease?

Each time, when i am back alone... it takes me down.. to the depths of the darkness within me.. Feeling good is a far cry.. I pretend to enjoy.. am garrulous.. but that is a cover.. for inside i am seething.. not with anger.. but with something far more calm.. and depressing.. I know not what that feeling is.. except that it isn't any good.. I lose my grip on words.. like now.. My expression becomes stilted..

Is it because I have always been this way? Or because I have changed in some manner.. and am looking to see sadness in others' lives? and when it's absent, i feel good again? Is it that? I do not know..

I guess some people.. me.. I am destined to be alone.. Welcome everywhere.. invited nowhere.. Tolerated.. but never missed.. Just a footnote in an appendix of the lives of people i hold dear.. It is so pathetic it isn't even galling.. Perhaps I really am the epitome of imperfection.. Never to know of certain things.. I wish i could feel somethings.. but there really isn't any feeling in me.. Maybe it was never there.. or maybe it died along the way somewhere..

meandering meaning

Nothing is beautiful, if you stare at it too long. Nothing is flawless, if you look hard enough. In an illusionary existence, all I can do is try to make a place, nay, the place, my own. The world is because I think it is. After me, the world ceases to exist. In this undeserving place, what I can do, and what I create is my own, and mine to contemplate, to destroy, to leave alone or interfere with, to mock, kill, rejuvenate, reincarnate, discard at my fancy, hate, bemoan, vandalize.. Mine to play with and mine to hoard.