Happy people.. I don't know what to do with them... It's as if there are two conflicting thoughts within me.. all the time. When I am with friends.. people whom i genuinely care about.. i like seeing them smile a true smile.. At that time, the sheer joy makes me smile too.. But I wonder.. is it just an act so good that it fools me as well? That I am doing it only to appear at ease?
Each time, when i am back alone... it takes me down.. to the depths of the darkness within me.. Feeling good is a far cry.. I pretend to enjoy.. am garrulous.. but that is a cover.. for inside i am seething.. not with anger.. but with something far more calm.. and depressing.. I know not what that feeling is.. except that it isn't any good.. I lose my grip on words.. like now.. My expression becomes stilted..
Is it because I have always been this way? Or because I have changed in some manner.. and am looking to see sadness in others' lives? and when it's absent, i feel good again? Is it that? I do not know..
I guess some people.. me.. I am destined to be alone.. Welcome everywhere.. invited nowhere.. Tolerated.. but never missed.. Just a footnote in an appendix of the lives of people i hold dear.. It is so pathetic it isn't even galling.. Perhaps I really am the epitome of imperfection.. Never to know of certain things.. I wish i could feel somethings.. but there really isn't any feeling in me.. Maybe it was never there.. or maybe it died along the way somewhere..
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment